Hillside
Assistance
Remembering
better days and staring at a blank screen, I began to have this strange stream
of consciousness. I started documenting a hillside scene of a time some 141
years ago today on the 25th of June, in 1876 when my imagination turned
to:
“What might have happened if there was a millennial
serving that fateful day alongside a 1950s version of a Calvary Commander and a
cell phone was introduced into the transaction?”
Thinking
the conversation might have started sorta like this and continuing throughout
the remainder of the afternoon; well, part of the afternoon anyway:
*****
“Shit! We need reinforcements NOW! Send for the semaphore guy! Summon
a rider immediately? Where’s my Aide-d-Camp?”
“Here
sir! This is what ya need?” responded the Aide.
“We’ve
got to get help and we need it fast. What the Hell is this thing?”
Confidently
standing there with a chest puffed out and completely bare of medals and
campaign ribbons, the shave tail aide says: “But here sir! I’ve got one of
these newfangled devices the Quartermaster ask that I take along and test out.
He said it’s gonna be the best thing since leather boot laces.”
“OK!
Give it to me. What good is this little box gonna do me? How do I work this
damn thing anyway?”
The aide
responded with complete confidence that he had the solution: “Wait sir—do this.” as he turned the box around and flipped it open. “Poke that button right there, talk
into it, and Siri will help you out.”
Struggling
with the box and the aide: “Who the
Hell is Siri anyway? Damnit! OK, gotcha.”
“Hello! Have I got the War
Department?”
*****
“Whadda you mean? Do you wish to
connect to the Pentagon?”
*****
“Pentagon, smentagon! I need
Plans and Ops in the War Department!”
*****
“Where the Hell are you anyway? Good!
Connect me right away.”
*****
“Have I got the War Department
now?”
*****
“OK, OK! Could you connect
me with Plans and Operations?”
*****
“Plans and Ops, I have a question
‘bout today’s operation.”
*****
“No Sarge! Damnit! I want to talk
with the officer in charge. Please get him and be double quick about it!”
*****
“Hello! Are you the guy who wrote
today’s op order?”
*****
“OK, I’ve got the guy I wanta
talk to now. I have several immediate questions.”
*****
“No, no. I’m in Montana. I’m not
in Afghanistan somewhere with, what did you say, the Taliban? Give me the guy
in charge of the Montana operations order!”
*****
“Hello! Are you the guy who wrote
today’s op order?”
*****
“I’m out here with the 7th
Cavalry and I see in paragraph number 1a that the enemy force estimate says
there might be light opposition. Man, do you have any idea just how God Damn
many Indians there are out here?”
*****
“Right Major! Well, we’re here in
the Black Hills just west of the Little Big Horn on a hillside overlooking the
entire valley and we’re currently engaged with your light opposition. I wanta’
tell you that your Intel was a bit off.”
*****
“Well, let me tell you one thing;
there’s a whole hella’va lot more than light enemy action out here. The God
Damned Indians are everywhere. Major, we need reinforcements NOW!”
*****
“I don’t know where you got your
Intel, but mine is first hand and I’m telling you there’s a hell’ava lot of
Indians out here today. The hills are crawling with Indians.”
*****
“Have I heard from Reno? I’ve
lost contact with him hours ago. He shoulda been here, but he aint! Anyway,
what kinda question is that? Shit, Reno’s probably got his ass in a crack just
as much as we have!”
*****
“What’s the chance you could send in the
Immediate Reaction Force? They aren’t in contact are they?”
*****
“Whada ya mean they aren’t
available and just what good do you think the South Dakota National Guard will
do me in the next thirty to forty minutes? We’re surrounded on this hillside by
more God Damned Indians than you’ve ever seen. There’s Indians everywhere and
they’re still more a’comin’. I don’t think activating the South Dakota National
Guard is our answer. We’d probably need the South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana
plus the Wyoming National Guard just to make a difference, and we’d probably
still be sucking hind tit.
This isn’t some band broken loose
from a Black Hills reservation running around the prairies fornicatin’
everywhere. You do understand what I mean when I say there’s a whole lota God
Damned Indians out here?”
*****
“Wait a second. I gotta say
somethin’ to Sargent Jones.”
“Watch out Sarge! Oops, too late!
Say Ops, just how many Survivor Assistance Officers do you have on call today?”
*****
“I’m a’thinkin’ you’re gonna need
to get a few more ready!”
*****
“No Major, I talkin’ a shitpot
more than that!”
*****
“Where’s that smart ass Aide-d-Camp?
Hold on another second there Ops. I gotta…”
