Due to the recent situations regarding rider security, I am forced to initiate several new rider safety procedures. These procedures will be placed into effect immediately. Passengers not complying with the rules will forfeit their rider-ship privileges immediately, Senior Truck Deputy Fife will consult with you and if found to be in non-compliance, deposited on the side of the road as soon as the situation allows.
I have gone to the trouble to consult with those guys at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) and Jethro Bodine. Each of the consultants has approved these new procedures as probably just as good an idea as I might have.
If I can not either read or pronounce at least one of your names on my first try, you can not ride in my truck.
If your first name sounds like your last name, you can not ride in my truck.
If your hat doesn’t meet gimme-cap standards, you can not ride in my truck.
If you are dressed in the same bed sheets that you slept in last night, you can not ride in my truck.
If you desire to wash your face during a scheduled trip; wash water (only at scheduled rest stops) will be provided from the bag truck management maintains hanging from the front bumper.
Every individual entering into the truck will be fully searched to any degree the driver sees fit to accomplish prior to entering my truck; no exceptions. I bought a new four cell flashlight, equipped with one of those nifty blue lenses for this purpose. Additionally, a big jug of bleach has been procured that will be used to test for any unsafe chemicals and stuff like that.
You are authorized a single carry on and it must fit where I put it or it will be left behind; no exceptions.
All luggage is subject to whatever inspection I deem fit to undertake; no exceptions.
You can look out the window on your side of my truck, but only once every fifteen minutes and not at all during the last hour of any scheduled trip.
You will remain in your seat at all times. There will no longer be free access to other areas of the passenger compartment.
Bathroom (or potty breaks, if you like) will be taken on a schedule established with in the first fifteen minutes of any scheduled trips. Passengers will not be allowed unscheduled bathroom breaks; twelve ounce Coke bottles will be provided upon request.
Galley operations or scheduled food breaks will be coordinated with the driver prior to departure.
There probably will not be any peanuts consumed during any trip in my truck.
Other rules, procedures and good ideas are still in the planning stage and will be implemented as soon as I think of them.
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